This story, recently recovered from the archives of Nikolay Zabolotsky, was long thought lost by scholars of Vvendensky’s work. Considered the most daring of his short fiction, “The Horse Masturbator” sees Vvedensky’s critiques of the Soviet regime at their most focused and realized.
A great deal of care must be taken when attempting to draw semen from a mare; many unusual fluids, altogether useless to the distinguished breeder, may erupt from all orifices and encumber the process. Compared to that for a stallion, the means of expressing a mare’s semen is far more perilous, and the risks of grievous injury and death are ever-present. However, as one might imagine, the rewards of such an endeavor are quite handsome. Our method, proven as it is, is detailed hereafter.
The first matter to be undertaken is to position oneself appropriately in relation with the animal. Beginning from a distance of perhaps 15 cubits (about 20 shaku), begin approaching the solitary mare from approximately the 7 o’clock position, according to the face of the French decimal clock. One must be gentle yet absolutely assured in their advance so as to earn the admiration of their target. Even in this early stage it is possible to arouse the beast: attempt in your footfall to mimic the romantic ballads peculiar to your region and you will find later steps far more obvious.
When sufficiently close to the animal, take both hands and position them tightly around the base of its tail in one continuous unbroken circle (an ellipsoid shape may be permissible in dire circumstance). Do not under any condition pull on any part of the tail. Many promising young breeders’ lives have been lost in such careless mistakes and misplaced zeal. Position the crooks of both feet around the animal’s left hind foot, taking care not to brush the horse with your knees, and begin to focus on the father of our nation, letting the image of his great countenance subsume totally your thought. Gently press your face against the mare’s flank, ensuring as best one can to maintain audience with the sun. Begin rotating anticlockwise the animal’s tail by its base, as if unscrewing a stubborn jar, carefully listening for the telltale clicks which its key positions reveal. Change only direction when certain. This will spring the animal’s defenses.
Different breeds, naturally, employ distinct means of defense. Some clades from the Arabian peninsula employ full batteries of artillery, while other, more central breeds are known for their secretions of poison. Most commonly, however, such actions will reveal a mare’s horns. The number and position of such appendages is not altogether important save for in times of famine and grief. Begin speaking candidly of the weather, of the great nature around you, of the warmth and brightness of the clouds’ moral character. Speak plainly, with unguarded innocence and neither pretense nor malintention, offering only your opinion as in a salon of many equals. In due time, the mare shall endear itself to you and retract its defenses, whatever they might be.
Tolstoy and Platonov, in their long debates over heavy drinking, regarded often the opening of the mare’s compartments as the most challenging and rewarding phase of the whole ordeal, and thus we ourselves find our inclination to agree. With both hands still on the horse’s tail, earnestly ask the beast if it might open itself up to you. Commonly at this stage the mare will begin to tease playfully the breeder, aloud wondering if his time might better be served beseeching the stallions in the adjoining field, if he might instead prefer alighting together on their collective freedom, whether his intentions are truly so pure and honest as the warmth of his hands implies. Pay little mind to such romantic sophistries. Remain steadfast and clear in your undertaking and press it heartfelt to the animal as times as many as necessary. Soon enough its biceps shall way their give and allow their most private organs to be known.
The details of the mare’s occult physiology remain little understood by the anatomists of our day - the laboratory setting has much its way of bashfulness inspiring. To the breeder, however, the singular need is the understandings of friction and apothecary. Begin by introduction of a tincture some time prior developed, often using ragweed and the oil of tropical fish. Spreading across two generously fingers, reach inside the biceps and search however gently for a brief appendix towards the tail of a rat. In urgent perpendicular motions, imitate perhaps the sign of the cross or the colors of the national flag, attention to careful mare the paying voice thereof, lest she provide more specified instruction. In the event that the bicep’s sphincter tightens unduly around your arm, some vigorous force may be signaled which might guide you onward. Within moments the mare will begin speaking rapidly, inquiring soberly whether you are an agent of Satan. Say brightly, yielding never from your movements, your true intentions, in this and in all of life, without regard for appearance or consequence. Affirm to the mare, this delicate beast, that in all things God is with is, that all in things that God with in us, all God things in that are all thinks God for that which thanks who God through horses here therewith, that within God there are all things, never ceasing vigorous athletic motion through turbulent cries. As its blissful moment draws near, the animal shall sing to you in perfect concert with the earth, its voice undulating in time with the stations and valleys. With one final spasmodic push, cradle the appendix between thumb and forefinger, applying to each side gentle pressure sufficient to assure its course. The mare, thus satisfied, will first collapse into its constituent molecules before galloping fiercely into the sky, never to be seen again. Then the work is finished.
In some weeks, the mare shall deliver its semen to your door via the express mail. While it is customary in such situations to send cuttings of the flowers borne from the seed, some discretion and autonomy are afforded to account for individual circumstance.
(1932)